Staying Afloat

When I first started my new job, I had a lot to learn.  I'd never worked in a big company before and now I was literally surrounded by thousands of people who all seemed to have a much better idea of what I should be doing and what I ought to know.   Whilst I'd smiled through the interviews, confident that I knew what I was doing, I was now pretty sure that I didn't know a damned thing.

And to make matters worse, no one seemed to care.  I spent my first weeks being shuffled from one desk to another, usually far removed from the rest of my team.  I'd been introduced to a fellow colleague who was supposed to help me get up to speed on the project but all that seemed to entail was dumping a pile of presentations on my desk and staring at me like I was some kind of fool when I asked him questions.  If being made redundant had given my confidence a blow, this wasn't exactly helping to restore it.

But slowly things started to fall into place.  A permanent desk was found.  And then a PC too.  Having my own piece of real estate in a building of 15,000 employees felt like a huge accomplishment after weeks of hot-desking.  I was so thrilled to be able to have my own space that I didn't really care that I was surrounded by chaos.   

But that changed too.  Our small team was growing and staff services arrived one evening with a new name plate for the desk beside me. Damien Wells.  At the time I didn't think much of Damien or what he would be like.  I just felt relieved to know that I wouldn't have to run through my almost-daily routine of pointing out how to use to the nearby printers, where to get coffee and other essential advice.  The constant rotation of hot desks meant I had new people sitting next to me nearly everyday but now that was going to change.

Our team kept growing.  Gradually the random strangers who once surrounded me were replaced by the same faces that seemed to stick around.  But for some reason Damien stood out from the rest. Whilst the others made their morning pilgrimage to Starbuck's for coffee, we preferred tea and made our own. It wasn't long before I habitually grabbed two mugs when I arrived in the morning knowing that he would arrive soon after.

In return, he brought me a cup in the afternoon and we'd often stop to talk about how our work was going or what we had planned for the weekend. Our tea breaks became so much a part of our day that I found myself missing Damien when he was away.

Of course, it was the tea!  The thought of missing a guy who is ten years younger than me and a confirmed bachelor just didn't seem right, especially when I had a husband and children at home.  And a lover too.  The idea that there could be anything more than a mutual need for caffeine just seemed preposterous!

And yet... there was something more.  Where my husband could never be bothered to come home most of the time and my lover made it clear that he was not really interested in anything other than sex, Damien seemed to have all the time in the world for me.  I attributed it to Damien's charming demeanor and figured that he was just this incredibly awesome guy.  There could never be anything between us so I cancelled out any crazy ideas that would occasionally creep into my head and tried not to envy the younger, single girls in the office for the thought that they might stand a chance with him. 

And that's when I knew I was hooked.  .

If I hated the idea of some beautiful woman having his undivided attention then I hated the idea of him being hurt by her even more.  It was never a topic I dared to discuss over tea so I was shocked one afternoon as another colleague asked how a date had gone.  The look on his face said everything be he went on to confess that things hadn't gone well and that she had dumped him.  The conversation topic was quickly changed and the girlfriend-who-was-no-more was not mentioned again.  But I was stunned.  

How could she?


And why did it matter so much to me?

Cate xxx