This Means War

I've been working for the same company for over two years now.  It doesn't sound like any great accomplishment when I think that I stayed at my first job for over a decade, but I can't think of any two organisations that could be more different.  My first job was a small family-run company  headquartered in a mid-western city, miles from anywhere else on the map.  Although I didn't stay at the head office for long, the same family atmosphere could still be felt far across the Atlantic.  It was a very quirky place.  We would often joke about the crazy owner of the company but deep down I think we all appreciated that his slightly eclectic and hermit-like ways meant we could write our own rules as long as we kept things in the black.

That's not to say we were lazy and didn't work hard.  It was quite the opposite.  Some days I woke up in hotel beds not sure which city I was in because I was so jet-lagged from weeks of endless travel.  But I didn't mind the crazy hours or the weeks away from home because I liked my colleagues and we were loyal to the company and to each other.  I miss that.

I now work in a company where heads roll regularly.  There seems to be a fine line between too much self-promotion and making sure you get credit for the work you do.  If you don't do enough of the latter, then you can expect to be passed over when promotions are handed out.  I learnt this my first year when I got the 'Cate, you've done a good job but not a great one.'  The disappointment was incredibly hard to swallow and so was the measly bonus.


Since then I've become to be a bit more vocal about the work I do and I am also a bit more protective of my turf.  I've learnt that those who are known for blowing their own horns are also quite often guilty of basking in the spotlight for work they haven't done.  Where I once trusted everyone and felt we were all working together towards the same goal, I've learnt to spot the rats from a mile away and keep them at bay.  It's frustrating enough that I have a demanding job but I find the political mine field is even harder to manage.

Especially when the enemy is Damien. 

When we first started working at our company, we were on the same project but our responsibilities were clearly divided.  As the months passed, our roles began to overlap each other and I found Damien taking the lead in discussions for the work I was doing.  He did it so skillfully that I would find myself utterly speechless, knowing full well that I should expose him for the fraud that he was being but not having clue as to how to do it.  I would just sit there dumb-founded and then he'd have the nerve to wink at me and say 'Isn't that right, Cate?'

I was torn.  The guy who I once thought was so great was proving to be one hell of a rat.  I had worked so hard and spent nights and weekends in the office whilst he was off doing whatever he pleased.  But that didn't stop him from taking any opportunity he could to get a bit of the spotlight.

To make matters worse, he acted like he was working just hard as I was.  Whenever I would walk out of meetings baffled by his behaviour, he would rush off to the kitchen to make tea.  Just as I was contemplating telling him what I truly thought of him, a cup of tea would magically appear with the smile that would make my frustrations subside as I would question whether he was really being devious or if I was just overtired and a bit too sensitive.

But a shuffling of the team jolted me into reality.  Damien and I were no longer sitting together and the shared cups of tea were a thing of the past.  I'd been moved to the stodgy side of the business where the old-boys network still reigned supreme.  I hated everything about it but figured if I still worked hard then things would be sure to change.  Patience and determination have always gotten me through times like these.

As I settled into my new role and Damien stayed on with our original team, our interactions became less and less.  I couldn't believe that we had once been so close but now hardly spoke.  A few times I tried emailing or chatting on the company messaging system but my words just disappeared into a black hole.   He was too busy to bother to respond.

And then it got worse.  On a cold and miserable night in February, I was just about to switch off my computer and head home when I thought I would check my email one last time before logging off.  There in my inbox was a note from senior management praising the promotion candidates for the year and congratulating them on their success.  Days earlier I had realised that I had been completely overlooked in the process - the team reorganisation meant that I would have to wait another year to be considered.  It was a tough pill to swallow but what choice did I have? 

As I read the email my heart sank.  I recognised many of the names on the list and tried to feel happy for them despite feeling so hurt and humiliated by my own disappointment.  I had work so hard and given so much of my time and yet my name wasn't there. 

But Damien's was. 
  
Cate xxx

Upside Down

'Tell you something that I've found that the world's a better place when it's upside down'
-Gabriella Cilmi

I couldn't agree more with Gabriella at the moment. Over the last week my world has been turned upside down and given a good shaking. Had anyone warned me it would happen, I would probably have expected myself to be afraid and even a bit tearful.

But I haven't been. I actually feel really good. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I am excited and happy. I have lost my job in the middle of an economic crisis and I am smiling.

I think I may have lost my mind!

But I really haven't. Looking back over the last year, I realise now how much my dead-end job was destroying my confidence. Being repeatedly beaten down by a man who had no respect for me or the work that I had done over the years was taking its toll on me, but I didn't want to accept defeat and leave. After years of hard work, I kept telling myself it would work out somehow so I stayed on and endured the frustrations and anger that came with it, unaware of just how destructive the whole situation had become.

This week everything changed. I got called into a meeting and told that my position has been eliminated. As I calmly listened to the explanation of why and what would happen next, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. The nightmare was finally over.

It is still a bit weird now that I think about it. I started my job fresh out of university and have changed so much since then - husband, children, move to another country - and my job has been the constant through all of it. But it is time to move on. I have known it for months and now I am looking forward to the challenge of doing something new.

As I thought about this post last night, I hesitated as to whether I should write it. After all, this is really a blog about an affair and things that I have discovered about myself along the way. But this week I have realised that my ventures into the world of infidelity were prompted by the frustrations of my job. When things started to fall apart this time last year, I was so angry and so hurt. I looked to my husband for support and he reminded me that I was taking things too seriously. I just needed to lighten up and collect the paycheck every month.

He was right, but unfortunately I don't work that way. The whole situation just continued to get more and more frustrating and I looked to an affair to provide an escape from it all. And it did. But it's a hefty responsibility to expect someone who can only be part of your life in a limited way to rebuild the damage done day in and day out. It's no wonder that I seemed so destined to self-destruct. My whole sense of self had been completely destroyed.

But I have also learned this year that those low moments are what force you to change and rethink who you are. Had my boss not been so difficult, I might not have written to T and I certainly wouldn't be writing this blog. I would have stayed forever in that mediocre job that was convenient, even if it wasn't challenging. So as a result of all this, I am actually quite thankful that my boss has been such an ass. Because of him I have got career aspirations again, I have got a friend and lover who is absolutely priceless to me, and along the way I have learned that I can write and connect with so many people in so many different ways. All these things give me something to smile about - even if my world is upside down at the moment.

Cate xxx