Why do I cheat?

Recently, I was asked why I am having an affair.

For a moment, I hesitated. I wondered if I should go the easy route and give the simple answer or should I put some more effort into it and really try to explain how things went wrong, that our relationship has gradually been eroding over the years in many different ways. I chose the simpler option and said that I was frustrated by my husband’s lack of interest in sex. And there is a lot of truth to that, but I think I could have endured a sexless marriage if I had stronger relationship with my husband.

But I don’t. And as much as I want to put into words what frustrates me about our marriage, I am really struggling to do so. I can’t think of one anecdote that sums up my feelings on it. I can’t point to a particular moment in our relationship and say, “There! That’s where it all went wrong!” It’s so much more complicated than that.

I suppose the easiest way to describe our relationship is that we are a marriage of opposites. My husband is a reliable, hard-working individual who craves structure and routine, while I tend to be a bit more free-spirited, making up the rules as I go along. In some ways we compliment each other. He provides the stability and discipline that I often lack. It’s not that I can’t handle responsibility. I am actually pretty good about making lunches, doing laundry and all the other things that are necessary to running a home. But when I get caught off guard, I tend to lose direction and get a bit confused. This is where my husband excels because he always manages to get me back on track. So when I am feeling the urge to tell my boss to shove it, my husband can usually get me to refocus on the importance of having a job.

My husband’s sensible approach to life has its advantages when I need advice on my career or help with the kids, but it doesn’t work so well in our relationship. My husband does not express his emotions easily. In fact, I would even say that he is uncomfortable with them and would rather keep them hidden from me and the rest of the world. I am the opposite. I have so much to express all the time but somehow I have learned to stifle it because I have seen too many looks of irritation from him that seem to say “Oh great, here we go again”.

But it’s not just a frustration with my own confinement. It’s the fact that my husband has such an aversion to anything frivolous. He just won’t do it. And unfortunately, romantic gestures fall within this definition. He doesn’t see the point of buying me flowers because they wilt and die. He has never called in sick to hide under the duvet and shag – there is work to be done and those sick days may be needed! I could go on and on with a list of things that he considers impractical that to me are an invaluable expression of the love that I crave.

And I guess that is what really frustrates me most. When I want my husband to express love and affection for me, he just won’t do it and over time I have interpreted that to mean that he doesn’t love me at all. The cancelled dates, the birthdays forgotten – all these things have been stockpiled in my memory as reminders of how he can’t possibly feel anything but contempt for me.

But I have realised lately that he does care about me. He wants so much to provide the security and stability that he sees as fundamental to our happiness and he doesn’t want anything to distract him from that goal. So when he cancels a dinner reservation because he needs to plan for a meeting, I have learned to accept that it isn’t intended to upset me, it is just simply who he is. And I am even learning to appreciate it.

I find it rather ironic in a way. After years of disappointment and frustration with my marriage, I am finally able to see it for what it is and understand why I have so often felt alienated by it. I am no longer angry about the things my husband won’t do for me. Instead, I focus on his good points – the things he does well that keep me focused and often inspire me to do better.

But I know that this wouldn’t be possible had I never taken that risk and had an affair. All the bottled up emotions and frustrations finally have a release and I don’t feel like I am being stifled anymore. It’s the most wonderful feeling, but it is also a dangerous one. Because what is keeping me happy in my marriage is the very thing that could destroy it.

Cate xxx