A few weeks ago I was reading one of my favourite blogs and
came across a comment that resonated with me. The author commented how she
could not understand the hostility that bloggers express towards their spouses
when the individual has no means of defending him/herself. The words stung me
because I am as guilty of this as any other blogger. I fumbled some weak
defense and left my own message but the truth is unavoidable. I have been quite
negative towards my husband in my blog without really presenting an alternative
view as to who he is and why I continue to stay married to him. I suppose it is
because the answer is very complex. I cannot explain my relationship with my
husband without going back to years before we met and revealing a bit more of
myself.My childhood was a bit of a whirlwind experience. I was born in Southeast Asia and have spent much of my life travelling the globe. I have had the privilege of experiencing first hand what so many only read about in books or magazines. It has been a truly amazing adventure but it has also come at a price. Our constantly changing environments meant that my siblings and I grew up without much stability and attachment. It also affected my mother and it triggered a deep state of depression that has plagued her for much of my life. The combined mess of constant change and a mother who was often withdrawn has instilled me with a desperate need for security and stability.
In my husband, I found both.
After I left university, my mother hit a particularly low point in her life. Recently divorced from my father, she was overwhelmed by anxiety and unable to cope. Over the years she has battled depression and the often accompanying mania that is bipolar disorder. There were times when her manic state was so overwhelming that I thought she would kill me or herself as she struggled to battle the demons in her head. Post-divorce, the mania was particularly bad and signs of schizophrenia began to surface. She was hearing and seeing things that didn't exist. Her mind was playing terrible tricks on her and it was growing increasingly worse. It was destroying her. And it was beginning to destroy me.
And then I met my husband.
It wasn't love at first sight or anything like that. It was a slow building feeling of calm and safety when everything else around me seemed to be a raging storm. I never felt great passion for him as though my very existence depended on his. But I did feel a tremendous admiration for his ability to soothe me as I tried to make sense of the chaos. And as I began to sort out the mess that my life had become, I found a great friend in him - someone who challenged me to try new things and look at life differently.
Some of my previous posts have painted my husband as a bit of a Neanderthal. This couldn't be further from the truth. He is actually very intelligent and his ability to negotiate and manage crisis has brought him success after success. But it has also caused him a great deal of stress and unfortunately my children and I seem to bear the brunt of his anger when the stress becomes overwhelming.
My decision to pursue an affair was not entirely driven by a reaction to this anger, but it was a contributing factor. I wanted to feel desirable again, to laugh and to feel affection. And I wanted passion. My husband's ability to handle adversity is a result of his refusal to let down his guard. He keeps his personal feelings locked up tight and chooses to channel his energy into his work and his physical training. When my mother seemed to be consumed by madness, my husband's controlled nature was a godsend. The problem is that I now want to feel emotions again and he doesn't share this desire.
So I have started to live two very separate lives - a life of a devoted wife and mother and a life of deception. I wish I didn't feel the need to cheat on my husband, that I could be content with my family and want nothing more. But it doesn't seem to work and a battle rages inside my head as I try to make sense of everything.
I do not want a divorce. I get along well with my husband and he adores me and our children. I could not imagine walking away from him and everything that we have built together over the years. It just seems too selfish and too destructive. But there is definitely something missing between us and I long to feel that passion, to feel sexy and to be alive again.
So I continue to lead a double life, at least for now.
Cate xxx
