Connections

Back in the days when I was having an affair, I remember reading an article that linked infidelity to divorce.  No surprise there, really.  It seems like a logical progression from wanting to fill in the gaps of a marriage that isn't quite working to seeing those gaps as a chasm that cannot be bridged.

The article went on to point out that the days of lengthy affairs are over.  Divorce has become so commonplace that much of the negative stigma surrounding it has washed away and once you have come to the conclusion that you much prefer the company of someone else, why stay married?

Of course it is not as simple as that.  Numbers say a lot but they don't say everything.  I don't doubt that most affairs lead to divorce.  Nor do I disagree with the idea that many marriages break down as a result of a third party muddying the waters.  After years of living in a daze, the attention of another can be enough to shake even the firmest foundations.

But is there another connection between affairs and divorce that isn't quite so obvious?  When you take away the affair, does the likelihood of divorce diminish? 



I am not about to step on a soapbox and begin a lecture on the perils of infidelity.  There are plenty of other blogs that do that and have done it far better than I ever could!  But my question is more along the lines of wondering if the resolve to escape from a frustrating marriage is weakened without someone else waiting in the wings.

My hypothesis comes from my own experience.  My affair ended nearly two years ago and as the communications tapered off, my determination to leave my husband seemed to fade too.  With two you children at home, I was resolute that I could make things work for a bit longer since I had nowhere to go and the Norman Rockwell images in my head of families together had me convinced that I was doing the best thing for everyone.

And so for a while, it worked.

But then life got in the way.  Life being some pretty fundamental stuff like the fact that I like living in England and my husband doesn't.  And that was just the beginning.  Even without someone on the side, I realised that sooner or later I would have to bite the bullet and tell my husband that I wasn't happy and I didn't see us growing old together.

So that is what I did.

I had hoped that he would agree with me that we are far too different to really be happy long-term and that it makes sense for us to think about separating.  But I was mistaken.  Despite the years of conflict, divorce was the last conceivable option in his mind. His philosophy was that I just needed to stop being so difficult and agree to pack up and move across the Atlantic.

In the months that have followed that initial discussion, he has tried various tactics to convince me that I am wrong in my thinking.  Sometimes he takes the harsh approach telling me that I am crazy and selfish.  But at other times he lauds me with praise and tells me that he has always valued me.  As I sit here typing away, it is easy to see that he's desperate to keep things together and will try any tactic to make that happen, but in the moment itself, it is much harder not to succumb. 

I do feel guilty.  I hate the idea of upsetting my children and even my husband, splitting apart the world that they know.  I am wise enough to know that I will never be happy with my husband but yet I still struggle to let go of the dream that I had when I walked down the aisle with him so many years ago.  I hate so much that this is happening and part of me is tempted to endure the frustration for just a little longer if it means peace for everyone else.

And there are times when I wish I had someone to wrap his arms around me and tell me it will work out fine, that whilst my husband is convinced that I am completely insane and horrid for wanting to get away, there could be someone who would be happy to tell me otherwise.  It would make it so much easier.  
 
And so I wonder if I am not alone in this state of limbo.   If there are others out there like me who want to escape but are not really sure where they are going and if it really is greener on the other side.  I know that I want 'out' of my situation, but without someone to run to, it's easy for me to be overwhelmed by the fear that getting 'out' won't make me any happier but it will hurt a lot of people.

Cate xxx