Upside Down

'Tell you something that I've found that the world's a better place when it's upside down'
-Gabriella Cilmi

I couldn't agree more with Gabriella at the moment. Over the last week my world has been turned upside down and given a good shaking. Had anyone warned me it would happen, I would probably have expected myself to be afraid and even a bit tearful.

But I haven't been. I actually feel really good. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I am excited and happy. I have lost my job in the middle of an economic crisis and I am smiling.

I think I may have lost my mind!

But I really haven't. Looking back over the last year, I realise now how much my dead-end job was destroying my confidence. Being repeatedly beaten down by a man who had no respect for me or the work that I had done over the years was taking its toll on me, but I didn't want to accept defeat and leave. After years of hard work, I kept telling myself it would work out somehow so I stayed on and endured the frustrations and anger that came with it, unaware of just how destructive the whole situation had become.

This week everything changed. I got called into a meeting and told that my position has been eliminated. As I calmly listened to the explanation of why and what would happen next, I felt a wave of relief wash over me. The nightmare was finally over.

It is still a bit weird now that I think about it. I started my job fresh out of university and have changed so much since then - husband, children, move to another country - and my job has been the constant through all of it. But it is time to move on. I have known it for months and now I am looking forward to the challenge of doing something new.

As I thought about this post last night, I hesitated as to whether I should write it. After all, this is really a blog about an affair and things that I have discovered about myself along the way. But this week I have realised that my ventures into the world of infidelity were prompted by the frustrations of my job. When things started to fall apart this time last year, I was so angry and so hurt. I looked to my husband for support and he reminded me that I was taking things too seriously. I just needed to lighten up and collect the paycheck every month.

He was right, but unfortunately I don't work that way. The whole situation just continued to get more and more frustrating and I looked to an affair to provide an escape from it all. And it did. But it's a hefty responsibility to expect someone who can only be part of your life in a limited way to rebuild the damage done day in and day out. It's no wonder that I seemed so destined to self-destruct. My whole sense of self had been completely destroyed.

But I have also learned this year that those low moments are what force you to change and rethink who you are. Had my boss not been so difficult, I might not have written to T and I certainly wouldn't be writing this blog. I would have stayed forever in that mediocre job that was convenient, even if it wasn't challenging. So as a result of all this, I am actually quite thankful that my boss has been such an ass. Because of him I have got career aspirations again, I have got a friend and lover who is absolutely priceless to me, and along the way I have learned that I can write and connect with so many people in so many different ways. All these things give me something to smile about - even if my world is upside down at the moment.

Cate xxx